Speaking of Steroids...

Since I strive to keep this blog up to date, let's talk about a brand new phenomenon that is sweeping the country...American Idol!

No, just kidding, we're talking about steroids, which is quite possibly one of the most beaten-into-the-ground stories in the news.

So I guess it can't hurt for me to throw my hat in the ring.

Let's just try and process this as normal, common-sensical human beings.

There's no question guys like McGwire, Sosa, and Bonds have been taking them, and it's been pretty well-documented in Olympic sports - where a split-second can mean the difference between gold and bronze - that athletes have been testing positive.

Now I don't defend steroids, but some people are so unapologetic about athletes using them that you know what, I am going to defend steroids. Right now.

Point #1: It's not like a magic potion that makes you a better athlete. Steroids allow you to get that extra rep in during a workout, or push yourself a little harder during a sprint, and yeah, they can cause muscle build-up that goes above and beyond what a normal person could accomplish. But the fact is, if I took steroids for a year, I still wouldn't be able to hit a curve ball, or run any faster than I do now. Because they don't work if you don't put the work in.

Point #2: This is their job. You've never cheated to get ahead? There's been plenty of cases of teachers doctoring their students' exams so they pass state tests. Who does that benefit? Not the students, who aren't learning anything. But it sure does make the teacher look good when all of her students pass exams. And let's say you didn't cheat on that Calculus class in college. Maybe you would have gotten a D, and maybe you wouldn't have graduated with such a great GPA, and maybe the company you work for wouldn't hire you. Or better yet...

Point #3: Adderal and Ritalin. You can throw any prescription drug in there that helps you focus and stay up later. I see a direct correlation here. If you don't actually study, the pills won't do anything for you, except give you dry mouth and insomnia...just like if you take steroids and don't work out. College kids all across the country are abusing these pills in order to pass classes and graduate with immaculate records...in order to get a great job and get paid.

Point #4: Kenny Rogers and Lawrence Taylor. If you don't think Rogers was cheating in the Playoffs last year, you're kidding yourself. That brown smudge on his hand, which he claimed was "a clump of dirt" that accidentaly stuck to him? Photos show that it must have "accidentally" stuck to his hand at least 5 other times that year. And Lawrence Taylor has done cocaine at halftime of football games. Just think about that.

Speaking of LT, everyone makes such a big deal about baseball players on steroids. Yet football players seem to get looked over. Think about those 320 pound linemen working out all summer. And keep in mind that like half the 2003 Carolina Panthers... yes, the team that beat the Eagles in the NFC championship game...were convicted of taking steroids. And to top it off, one of the guys caught was the punter. The punter! Throw in Shawn Merriman, who was also convicted, and then try to remember Albert Haynesworth. Not the moment when he stepped on another player's face with his cleats, but right afterwards, when he was totally freaking out, yelling at the refs and his coach. What do you call that? Rage? Is that right? Blind rage? Steroids, eh....

At this point, everything in life (and sports) is so corrupted, that what can you do?
Just deal with it.

So when Bonds breaks Aaron's record, take comfort that for a lot of those homers, he was still the size of a normal human being. And that some of the pitchers he faced must have been on steroids, too. And that he has no friends and nobody likes him. And that he probably could hit .400 if people pitched to him.

Oh, and furthermore, Susan:

Ricky Williams was kicked out of the NFL for smoking marijuana.
Shawn Merriman missed 4 games for injecting steroids.

Must have been some of that performance-enhancing marijuana that I've heard so much about.

Have a great evening.

Down With Dope!