Are You Selling Any Of That Gold?

Let's kick things off with a list, shall we?

It is my pleasure to introduce to you:

The 3 Comics of Note List (some living, one dead)...

...as always, in no particular order.

1. Jim Gaffigan

You may know him as the guy who got pulled over in Super Troopers and thought the cops were saying 'meow.' Or the guy from the Sierra Mist commercials who had cut-off jean shorts and I think some ridiculous kind of facial hair.

Something to do with a moustache/mullet I believe.

He also did Rolling Rock commercials.

Anyway, here are some quotes.

On Laziness:

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can't get yourself to do it? I gotta go to the post office ... but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until 5. I'm going to have to do that next week."

On Sleep:

It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like..."I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?"But at night you're like..."La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode, that Kirk Cameron always in trouble."

On Seahorses:

I was watching Animal Planet, did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." "...the male has the baby. You're fired."

Next Up....

2. Zach Galifanikas

Out Cold, Comedians of Comedy, Reno 911! (occasionally)

He is the guy with the beard who plays the piano...

Yeah, I stand by that description.

Pretty random stuff that should probably be heard/seen.

Now, I'm not an impressionist, but I do have this character voice I've been working on I call "The Guy Who's *WAY* Too Into the 'Garfield' Movie". (clears throat, begins to speak effeminately) Oh, my GOD! Have you seen the GARFIELD movie? It's HI-LARIOUS! There's this part where he eats all this LASAGNA! Of course, Odie's up to HIS old tricks! (normal voice) Like I said, just something I'm working on.

This country is fucking dumb, why are people takin- this-…people with this bush administration all this shit going on, there should be a revolution happening….I would lead it but I just bought a hammock.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night. So I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Yelling out, "Who's the Boss now!"

I like to use Axe bodyspray, but I live in a very black area of Brooklyn. Over there, they call it Ask. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.

Finally, the dead guy.

3. Mitch Hedberg.

He is the king of one-liners...or was.

I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No...but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I've done that way more.

I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown; there's nothing for 'em there.

That last one, I don't even know if it's a joke. But it is funny.

Anyway, that's as far as we're getting today.

You might be saying to yourself, "you just copy and pasted comedians' jokes, you didn't even write anything!"

Didn't I, though? Didn't I?

And furthermore, Susan, Oreland Bar Crawl this Saturday. Come on down!